Wednesday, 26 August 2015

Life | A Rocky Start

You think it's cool to hate things. And it's not. It's boring. Talk about what you love and keep quiet about what you don't. 

I've been gone for a little while now and I know my inconsistency will be the death of me but I have one word for you- one nasty, prolific, vulgar word that is totally dead to me. Chicken pox. And it ain't fun as an adult. I would love to get into the gory details with you but my traffic is my currency and I'd rather not scare you away. 

Instead I'll bring you through what it felt like to be prepping, planning and organising a big project only to be completely derailed when things are starting to pick up. I know I don't have to explain this feeling to many of you because It happens to everyone. Plans never pan out the way you want them to so why do we still make them?
Improvisation is the name of the game. If you can't learn to improvise, you might as well pack up your ambitions, inhibitions and whatever else you thought you were bringing to the table and go home. 

So while I was still playing "woe is me" watching Diamants au chocolat remain inactive, not speaking to friends and barely to family, I treated myself with such self hate. I played the craziest music on the sound system with my room door shut (obviously feeling rebellious LAWL), ate barely anything and spoke very little. I hated myself and I hated everything I had become and now I want to take this minute to apologise to myself because the thoughts that swarmed in and out of my mind in the last 2 weeks can't be tolerated. I was wrong. I am not a failure. I cannot control every possible circumstance. Shit simply happens. 

Life is an obvious game of Russian Roulette. You don't know what's coming next but cashing in and cashing out is always up to you. After seeing my scars (which are plentiful) from the chicken pox, I was absolutely ready to cash out. I wanted out and I wanted out fast. I suddenly wanted to be a normal University kid who had a part time job and partied on the weekends. I no longer wanted the life that was drawn out for me; too much hassle, too many emotions.

In fact, a little part of me didn't want to be a 'blogger' anymore. I can safely admit that I dislike the word- I always have- It's mediocre. Especially with the drama that goes on 'behind the scenes'. Blogger vs. Blogger or Corporation vs. Blogger or even Readers vs. Blogger. Only lately have I realised that sometimes we think we're being critical when in reality all we're being is cruel- omitting compliments when they are due, refusing to support people that are doing well, making sly comments all for a sense of self importance. It has to stop. It's messy and I don't like mess. 

And then of course I realised I wanted to be the change I craved to see. My entrepreneurial spirit is huge and what I want to do with a brand like Diamants au chocolat is beyond anything you could possibly imagine. I'm going to need people in order to turn this into the successful and credible company I want it to be. I crave to work with only positive, mindful, ambitious, creative people who are ready to fight for my vision. For me to attract such people into my life, I need to become that. So I've taken my devil advocate's hat off for a little while to focus on being those things. I'm working on myself a lot these days so my social media presence is a little lack lustre, I'm a little less social and I generally spend a lot of my time by myself. I like that. You can't figure things out on social media because social media is a facade: a game we all play for one reason or another. 

Currently, I'm working on a stronger immune system by eating good foods that will nourish me, I'm reading books at a crazy rate, I'm working on my creative self and most importantly my inner self. Learning all the time new things about me and my surroundings.